It’s that time of year when kids and parents gear up to go back to school. I was a teacher for thirty-six years in the Mitchell School District and the one thing that always really irritated me about going back to school was you’d meet kids this time of year at the store, and they’d say something like, “Mr. Olson, I have you for third period Ancient World History.” They’d be all happy and excited about it, which was great. However, I didn’t have my schedule yet. I didn’t know what classes I’d be teaching when, who and how many students were in them. That was so the counselors could change schedules right up to (and beyond) the first day of school. It was so bad that I didn’t move into my paper gradebook, back when that was a thing, until the fourth week of school, because of all the schedule changes. I kept my records on loose leaf sheets of paper until the musical chair schedule change frenzy died down. It was maddening to have students know their schedules a month to six weeks before I knew mine.
I loved teaching school, but I did feel for the students who I suspected would have a difficult time, and I don’t mean academically. I usually could pick the kids out who would have the rockiest time socially, just by looking at them. Some of it was physical, those who stand out tend to get grief – the super short, the ridiculously tall, the fat and the extremely thin etc. Some of it was fashion related, there were style trends over the years that “had to” be followed or students were subjected to ridicule because they weren’t “in” or “with it” – as we dinosaurs used to say, back in the day.
Some abuse would come kids’ way because of the way they cut or wore their hair, dyed pink for example. Perhaps a student adopted a particular look, Goth for instance, so that singled them out for abuse. On occasion, the torment was racial in nature. That happened more to Native students than to any other ethnic or racial groups. Interestingly, sometimes foreign exchange students were singled out for bullying because of their different culture, dress style or accent.
Parents can do a number of things to make sure their children fit in at school and do well. First, have reasonable and firm expectations. You should expect your child to be and do THEIR best – not to be THE Best – but to do THEIR best. If their best is an A+ and they are getting only a B+ then perhaps that truly is not good enough and the “laggard” deserves some prodding. However, if their best is actually a C and that’s what they are achieving, badgering them to do better will have the opposite effect and be demoralizing rather than inspiring.
Parents should set limits. That means kids should be in the house at a certain time on school nights and to bed at a regular time every night. It means limiting work hours or the number of Advanced Placement classes a student takes or the number of extra-curricular activities they participate in. Your children are kids, not machines. There is a limit to their endurance, capacity and time if they are to be successful across their various activities, academics and endeavors. You are the parent. Yes, teenagers are willful, often poor listeners and at times rebellious. Believe it or not, they want limits. Having the excuse, “I can’t because my parents…” is very useful to a teenager. Help them out.
Third, try to make sure your child fits in. That may mean splurging for a fashion you never sported when you were a student and may think looks ridiculous now, but if it helps your child fit in that will help smooth their social life and make them less of a target for bullying. The same is true of school supplies. When I was a kid, the “Trapper Keeper” was THE school supply. Anyone without one might as well move away and enroll in the witness protection program. I don’t know if there are such trends in school supplies today, but your kid will know and it is worth a few dollars and cents now to avoid abuse, bullying, depression or worse later on.
Fourth, get your child involved in some kind of activity. That activity limits the “Idle hands are the Devil’s Workshop” time as well as gives them an outlet for all that energy that kids have. I do mean “activity”. That may mean athletics, or it might mean participating in plays or it may be church or some other outside activity. Getting them involved in something also gives your child a circle of friends with the same interest, thereby strengthening their social system and making their school time more pleasurable as well and, hopefully, more productive. It must be an activity your kid is interested in . If Dad was a stud football player, that doesn’t necessarily translate into Sonny Boy being interested in going out for the team.
Parents, be involved in your children’s school life. That means contacting the teacher and finding out how things are going from time to time, email is good enough but something more personal may be called for if your child is having some issues. Parent-teacher conferences are a “must attend”. If your child knows you’re interested, or perhaps checking up on them, they will try harder to at least avoid troublesome news from being communicated teacher to parent. Being involved means taking kids to practice and attending their events/performances. It also means “quizzing” a child on “How was school today? What did you learn?” and not accepting a noncommittal or “Nothing” answers.
Parents should be available for their children 24/7 but there also should be a regular designated time when your child explicitly knows that they can come to you to talk. If that’s 7pm nightly or once a week at a specified time on Sunday afternoons, then that’s what it is but choose a time convenient for both of you. Don’t expect a regular “heart to heart” and don’t “schedule” a talk but be available and if your child does enter the room, turn the television off and be receptive. Understand, your role may be to just listen rather than to dispense advice or impose some Socratic judgment on the topic.
If your “child” is a teenager, recognize you’re dealing with nitroglycerin. Teenagers are growing. That’s physically painful. They’re maturing into sexual beings. That’s awkward and confusing. Their brains are developing. Study after study shows teenagers are a different breed of cat. Teenagers think with the emotional part of their brain. Adults think with the analytical part of their brain. When a teenager does something stupid (they will and you did too when you were their age, so remember that), don’t berate them with a version of, “If Johnny jumped off a bridge would you go too?” That’s because the real teenage answer is “Yes! Johnny is my friend and jumping off a bridge sounds like fun!” They are not yet able to see what is painfully obvious to us – the dangers, the implications, the potential blight on their futures etc. This is the Job period of a parent’s life, for those of you Biblically inclined; as it says in Second Corinthians 4:17, “…this too shall pass…” The teenage years don’t last forever, they just seem like they do.
Finally, love your children. That seems obvious, but the teenage years especially can be rocky. When confronting your child, try to keep your temper, modulate your tone and explain why their deeds were ill considered and your punishment inflicted on them is righteous. Allow them their day in court, to explain or maybe even to justify their actions. Remember, you may be wrong too. You’re not God, that job is already taken.
I hope you and your children have a safe, successful, satisfying school year.