The first time Paula said “no” to my proposal of marriage it was for all the right reasons: we were still in college in two separate cities, we were so young (me 21 her 19), she wanted to finish school before marriage etc. etc. It sounded to me like “not now” rather than a “no never” kind of answer. We took a break and then dated intensely for another year and a half after her graduation when I once again asked Paula to marry me. This time she said “no” with in a gentle, kind but definitive “not if you were the last man on Earth” manner. She actually said, “I didn’t know you still felt that way about me” after five years of exclusive dating. It worked out for the best; I’ve been married to Julie for 33 years now and wouldn’t trade it for anything, but at the time Paula’s rejection was devastating.
My heartbreak was magnified by well meaning friends who said, “Look on the bright side…” and “There’s plenty of fish in the sea…” etc. Their comments seemed to indicate that my pain was a trifle, my distress was merely drama and that I should just snap out of it. To this day, the phrase “be positive” sends me into a rage. It is a complete denial and dismissal of whatever a person in crisis is going through and should be banned from the English language.
A 2009 study printed in the journal Psychological Science found that “forcing” people to think positively resulted in the person feeling more insecure. The study found that if one thinks positively about a negative situation it is actually harmful. It’s a form of denial that can lead to a prolonging of the negative situation. It is much better instead to focus on the negative, identify the problem(s) and map out a line of attack to improve or solve the issue(s).
The adage “Be Positive” is really saying “accept your circumstances and don’t bother me with your problems because I’m totally uninterested in listening to or helping you.” The adage “Be Positive” is destructive and defeatist. The better approach is to listen to the person acknowledging that there is a concern that perhaps is even as dire as they think it is but that there are alternatives and potential solutions; one just has to recognize they exist and chose a course of action to change the current circumstances.
Frequently in my career as a politician and an educator people would ask me in an exasperated way, “Why do you always focus on the negative!?!” Ignoring a problem, having “happy talk” about a condition, leaving a situation for another day does nothing to shed light on the issue or to solve whatever is wrong. For example, when you’re discussing roads with your friends which ones do you refer to? Do you express appreciation and wonder about newly paved, smooth, bump and pothole free roads or do you grouse, complain and lament about roads that are in poor condition (the three year Sanborn project, the endless construction on I-90 east etc.)? Which approach would you prefer, the “Be Positive – look at all of the other great roads we have…” or for those in authority to “focus on the negative” and to fix quickly and well those roads etc. that need attention?
The same is true for personal crises. A study published in Motivation and Emotion concluded, “…when people acknowledge negative emotions toward their relationships or chronic illnesses, it helps them adjust their behavior and have more appropriate responses.” The study goes on to say, “…positive thinking in the face of negative circumstances can lead to feelings of failure and depression.” One of the leading causes of divorce is “positive thinking”. People ignore issues in their marriage using a “Be Positive” attitude hoping things will get better instead of directly dealing with the situation until matters have gotten to the point where divorce is now the only answer. Psychologists advice is don’t “Be Positive” instead address the issues head on, you’ll be happier in the long run that way.
Educational research has identified the silver bullet for success at school and in life; it’s called “grit”. The fancy word is “perseverance”. Those with grit and perseverance don’t look at the bright side of life but rather face up to negative realities and get on with doing what must be done to improve or cope with things. The Penn Research Program, run by the US Army’s Comprehensive Soldier and Family Fitness Program, concentrates on developing grit in coping emphasizing the importance of not being positive when a soldier is dealing with a negative outcome.
That’s because the “Be Positive” mantra can sound to a wounded warrior like a denigration of their pain, a dismissal of their challenges and a denial of the hard road to recovery. In 2012 the University of Queensland released a study published in Emotion that found, “….When people think others expect them not to feel negative emotions, the end up feeling more negative.” The study went on to conclude if you want to stop feeling negatively more quickly, don’t “Be Positive” that only prolongs the negative feelings instead; focus on the negative, deal with the issue(s) and then you can move on with your life.
Barbara Ehrenreich wrote Bright Sided: How Positive Thinking is Undermining America that pulls together a lot of this research into the toxic, harmful effects of the “Be Positive” movement. One of the points is that “Be Positive and Look On The Bright Side” encourages mediocrity and acceptance of negative circumstances that could be changed for the better if one only concentrated on the negative instead of the positive. “Be Positive” encourages people not to take difficult, painful and necessary steps to improve their situation.
Two-time Olympic Gold medalist Abby Wambach said, “I’ve always been motivated more by negative comments than by positive ones. I know what I do well. Tell me what I don’t do well.” That’s good advice if delivered in the proper spirit with the right tone and received with the proper attitude.